Man, what a struggle…
I feel like I’m living for the weekends, a mindset I really don’t enjoy. It’s become an indicator for me. I’ve been enjoying skiing on the weekends, getting out, exploring. The daily microchallenges and microdecisions that it brings feels good. On the flipside, my weekdays fly by with nothing to show for it. I wake up and question why I wake up so early anymore because I just spend my time watching YouTube and scrolling social media. Every 30min I reach for my phone and continue scrolling, sitting on the couch while the minutes tick by. Sitting on the couch glued to my phone has become the daily norm. Thinking about the things on my todo list brings a sense of anxiety and paralysis. Procrastination has become the default.
I wake up, watch YouTube, scroll social media, drag myself to the computer at around 10am when I feel like I should actually do something, “work,” i.e. putz around, procrastinating, waiting for the slightest break to reach back for my phone, stop “working” at 4pm, make dinner, watch more YouTube, scroll social media and IG reels, completely paralyzed to do anything besides that, then go to bed and do it all again. I used to be so disciplined and motivated to progress. What has my life come to?
I know I’ll be successful (that’s my version of success, not society’s). I know I’ll become financially free, I’ll pursue my passions and interests, build a business, live a life where my M-F is just as exciting as my S-Su. I know I’ll get there, but I don’t know when.
I know I’m going to reread this and think about how far I’ve come. It’ll be a year, maybe 2 years, maybe 10 years. I’ll look back on this moment, this struggle, and appreciate all that I’ve created, done, and become.
But right now, man, what a struggle this is. I feel lost. It doesn’t feel good. This is not what I imagined my life to look like. I can’t keep living a life like this. Something has to change.
I recognize that I am in a very privileged place right now. I’m healthy, I have a great income, food on the table, and the ability to explore on the weekends and ski. That being said, I don’t want to diminish how I feel. This is truly how I feel.
This feels pretty depressing to write, but I know there’s hope. This summer I’m quitting my job and traveling the country. It’s been decided. I don’t know where, I don’t know for how long, but I’m jumping into the deep end and rolling with the punches. I finally feel like I have some direction again, something to look forward to, a light at the end of the tunnel. It’s refreshing, but there are still so many unknowns – will I even like it, how practical will it be, how long can I sustain it financially, what happens when it gets to winter, will I ever work a 9-5 again, what business can I build, what am I passionate about, the list goes on and on. That’s not gonna stop me though.
At this point it’s literally just a waiting game. Every day I tell myself, I just need to make it to the summer (May/June). I just need to hang on for a little longer.